Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Elizabeth and the terrible, no good, horrible dates


As Miss Janey reminds us, Saint Valentine wasn't made a saint and given his own day because he was so good at warm-fuzzy snuggles and gift giving. On her blog (which you should visit for her many reasons including her masterful use of the third person, her wit, and her fierce author picture!) she says:

"Here is a short reminder of what the Valentine's Day actually celebrates. St. Valentine of Rome was killed by Emperor Claudius in 269 AD for helping Christians and refusing to give up his Christian faith. In 469 AD Pope Gelasius established February 14 as a day to honor poor, slain Valentine. Originally, St. Valentine was the patron saint of epilepsy, since he suffered from it. Later, when the church assimilated the fertility festival Lupercalia into their calendar, St. Valentine also became the patron saint of lovers."

So Valentine's day is really about martyrdom and sex. Which naturally makes me think of dating. So, in honor of those of you still out there in the fray, and because, though I've been happily married for a while now, I've paid some serious dating dues, I am going to share with you some of my worst ever dates. If you feel like it, share yours!

Once upon a time, in a kingdom so left-leaning that it had almost leaned right off the continental US, there was a young woman named me. Now, after I split up with the LyingCheatingScumbag, my heart was broken into so many tiny sharp fragments that I thought I might never be able to put it back together again. During that period I retreated into the magical neon forest to live among the Gays, where I had many lovely times there, dancing and dining with my boys. But eventually, the boys began to nag me, "Honey, you've got to get OUT there if you ever want to have sex again!" And so, heeding their wise words, I decided to date. Furthermore, for reasons that aren't clear even to me, I decided I would date, at least once, anyone who asked me. The dear boys again urged me on, saying, "Why not? You'll get a free dinner out of it anyway, and maybe more!"

Many men asked me out, and also many trolls. So, for your amusement, here are some of the low points on my road to true love. First, let me introduce you to the long-time friend, a seemingly nice guy, who invited me out to dinner one day. I assumed we’d split the bill, as friends do. But he said,"No, don't worry about it. I'll pay. I'm making good money these days." Which I wasn't. So fine. After dinner, when I was ready to go home, the "friend" got angry, saying that I should go home with him because I "owed" him. After all, he'd paid for dinner. I was appalled and we were friends no more.

Then there was the college professor who hit on me during our conference about my essay topic for the required-for-my-major-so-I-couldn't-drop-it class. That was tricky!

But last, and also worst, was my date with a young man from the People's Republic of China. He asked me to go to the symphony with him. The symphony part, when he couldn't speak to me, sadly, was the high point of the date. During the intermission, he was able to speak, and boy did he! As we stood on the crowded balcony looking out over San Francisco, that beloved kingdom of fruits and nuts, he proceeded to tell me that he thought that Hitler was right, that Jews were awful, and that black people were even worse. So I knew he was a complete and utter psycho. Nevertheless, I pointed out to him that Hitler would have gotten rid of Chinese people too. He angrily rejected this idea. Chinese people were a pure and superior race too, like white people. After the symphony, I made a quick escape, and decided not to date any and all askers anymore. And even my beloved gay boys supported me in this decision saying, "Oh my God! He probably would have abducted you and made you his white sex slave! Hmmm... what did you say his number was?"

No real advice here. No great wisdom. But tomorrow, the Valentine's Day happy ending.

19 comments:

jason said...

But Hitler talk is such a turn on to women, isn't it?

lol

Too funny....too true...too many men out there like that :)

yellowdog granny said...

ahh, men...if they didn't have dicks we would't even talk to them..
once....back in oh, lets see..1958 I had a guy try to pick me up...i had been cleaning house all day and all i wanted was a beer before i went home..he latches on to me like i was a lifesaver and he was a drowning man...he began by telling me how great he was..then how great he was in bed..that if i went out with him i wouldn't be sorry..he was so good, i'd throw rocks at all the other guys...he would make my toes curl in my shoes, give me goosebumbs the size of walnuts..he went on and on and on...i sat quietly and listened...finished up my beer and said"are you really truly that good at sex?" and he said 'yes, baby i really truly am'....i picked up my change and purse and said"
well, if your that good, why don't you go fuck yourself." and walked out...it may have been my finest moment..

sageweb said...

Those are horrible dates...dam them guys. I went out with a guy once after work. He knew I liked women. I thought he was cool with it. We went had dinner, he insisted on paying, saying I had been such a good buddy. We get ready to leave I say good-bye and he decided to walk me to my car and try convincing me to kiss him. Yuk he gave me the line that I didn't know what I was missing by not sleeping with men. And one last time he then decides to tell me he would let me bring my girlfriend over and we can both sleep with him. I never spoke with him again. (of course he brought up the fact he paid for dinner)

Willym said...

Dates - you're suppose to have dates before sex??? Why didn't someone tell me that 45 years ago!

And Granny - great one!

citizen jane said...

Ah, the joys of dating. Nice to know I'm not the only one with such stories -- although I never had anybody sing the praises of Hitler to me...

more cowbell said...

Hmm, suddenly I'm not feeling so bad about the fact that I haven't had a date in ... never mind.

Granny: The good thing is, we can buy perfectly good dicks in certain stores, and we don't even have to talk to those.

Elizabeth said...

Jason: Yeah, for most women, Hitler talk is a turn on! Sadly, not for me. I'm just weird that way.

Sage: I think that was the exact same a__hole I went to dinner with. Small world!

Willym: You mean you DON'T have to date before you have sex? Why didn't someone tell me THAT years ago?

Citizen J: I think anyone who's been out there has miserable stories from the dating wars! But, yeah, the Mein-Kampf courtship, that was a special moment! I was just glad I was in a really public place with the nut job!

Cowbell: Well then I've done my job! But if it makes you feel any better, I think all of your blog friends (mostly straight women and gay men.... oh well) would date you, if we dated your make and model of person!

Elizabeth said...

Granny: You are such a pistol! What an absolutely fantastic line! I can only think of those kinds of things two hours after the incident is over and I've stopped fuming.

Auld Hat said...

I once had a seagull shit on my head as I walked from my front door to my dates car.
A bad omen, that.
Bird shit on the head. The date went downhill from there.

Elizabeth said...

Hat: And seagulls aren't small. Yuck! Now that qualifies as a really, really bad date.

Miss Janey said...

Miss J thanks Miss Elizabeth for the awesome shout out. More over, this entire entry has been LOL funny. That includes the reader responses. Miss J will add a first date horror story, and the lesson here is, "That's what you get for being a slut and getting into bed w/ a guy on the first date." Miss J and Mr. Date were in passionate half-naked throes of making out when Mr. Date moaned, "Oh, Slave me. SHIT on me." And so ended an evening that started with a cheap dinner, which should have been the first hint this wasn't going to end well.

Elizabeth said...

Miss J: Wow!!! People, I think we have a winner of the worst date of all contest! I should come up with a prize for you. Or maybe it's prize enough that you're not with this nut case, and are instead happily settled with Mr. Janey.

Silly Monkey said...

I met a guy at a coffee shop once, and we sat and chatted nicely for about an hour. He's seemed decent enough even though I was never sure where he was looking because neither eye focused on the same spot.

I knew there was no spark or anything but had no problem being friends and chatting online like we'd been doing.

Then I got his email, complete with a link to 47 pictures of him naked, in a sling hanging from his ceiling.

When I saw him the next day in the chat room, he bombarded with me instant messages begging me to have sex with him. Now, that doesn't happen often. Trust me. But I declined. Then I got a message saying, "You don't want everyone to think you're a VIRGIN, do you?"

Ummm. . .high school, anyone?

Peter said...

As I told liz in an email, I can't say that I've ever HAD a bad date -- NOTHING to compare with some of the stories here.

But I'm horrified to think how likely it is that i've BEEN a bad date.

Sigh. Not much to be said for the less-fair sex.

Elizabeth said...

Silly monkey: Welcome and Yow!! You and Miss Janey are tied for worst freak festival! Congratualtions? I think we should put your two dates in a room together and lock the door, forever!

Peter: Well, the bar here is set pretty high, badness wise. Since I doubt you've ever murmured Mein Kampf in a woman's ear, begged her to "Slave" you, or taken 47 pix of yourself in a sling and passed them on, you're probably OK.

D-Man said...

In college, this friend of a friend asked me to go to her Sorority formal. As soon as we got their she ran around the room and finished all the half-full drinks while their owners were on the dance floor. I had to carry her back to her dorm and put her to bed. Good thing I wasn't some horny, straight frat dude.

D-Man said...

Oh and how ruuude! I always put out when someone buys me dinner - KIDDING!

And you should have told the Hitlerphile that your dad was head of Israeli Intelligence, and he'd surely be dead by nightfall unless he left the country...

Elizabeth said...

D-man: 1. Boy was she lucky!!! So many bad things could have happened to her. Yikes, I wouldn't be that age again for a diamond the size of my head.
2. Ha!!! I know, I'm such a selfish witch!
3. Wish I'd thought of it. He would have been horrified to think that I was Jewish, AND terrified for his life. The look on his face would have been priceless.

Jan said...

All I can say is Oy! I've had some stellar bad dates, but honey, he really takes the cake! I seriously would have put an old gypsy curse on his head, or something equally as lovely, but I'm just that way!! Ha!

I love all of these nightmarish stories. There is something to be said for not having to be out there any more. I used to come home and tell my mother of my horrific dates, and she used to say, and very wisely I might add, "Times change, but people don't"....jerks have a timeless quality, don't they?