Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Shamed into full disclosure

From Dill Pixels wonderful flickr stream.

I've been shamed by I need more cowbell and her prodigal-daughter blog update, to write a more complete update myself. Yeah, it really was an awful winter, but .... there was, of course, more going on below the shitty frozen surface of this long and shitty winter.

1. My husband
It's almost two years since my husband's last surgery and (better late than never!) I think I am finally getting "over" it. What that means is that I've finally incorporating into my life the reality that my husband has an incurable, life-threatening, condition instead of (as I had thought before) a one-time weird clotting condition that would be taken care of by surgery and blood thinners.

It's not an easy thing to accept. I worry whenever he's gone, whether it's out of town on a business trip, or out of the house for work. The only time I don't worry is when he's right next to me, where I can keep an eye on him, save him if he needs saving. Because my brilliant prize-winning husband is utterly incapable of taking care of himself. Seriously. This is the guy whose response to massive debilitating chest pain (from his swollen-to-the-point-of-bursting veins) is to decide to wait it out, hope it goes away, and not tell anyone. Good plan Einstein.

2. My novel
I love writing. It's easy for me and I'm good at it, and because of that, I write really good first drafts. I've even been lucky enough to have a couple of those first drafts (of short stories) published. So when I wrote my novel, part of me really truly thought that I could write it, send it in, and get it published too. But novels are big messy things and, unfortunately, I have to revise it. And revise it. And revise it. Revising isn't easy work and I don't like it because I'm not (yet) good at it. I would rather pull my toenails out one by one than revise my own work. I would rather clean house than revise my own work. And let's just say that my house is getting cleaned in places that have never been cleaned in the entire eight years that we've lived here.

But, with the help and advice of some very good readers and friends, I am slowly, painfully, dragging myself (kicking, screaming, whining, and hating every minute of it) through a real and deep revision. So you can see why sitting down to the computer to write even a blog entry might send me running for the mop, or the TV remote.

Anyway, those are my excuses for neglecting you. Oh, and did I mention that the weather was really really crappy?

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Hello my darlings!

Well, the Guinness Book of World Records, the National Weather Service, as well as every other expert in the world has finally determined that this was the Shittiest Winter Ever. I personally went through all of Elizabeth Kubler Ross's five stages of grief about it and added a couple of my own.

1. Swine flu whining - All the kids got it, one by one. Just when I thought any given child was getting better and I might have a quiet day to myself, the next one would get it. Oddly, all my whining did not help them recover.
When that was over, it snowed and snowed and snowed and I responded with:

1a. Denial - "No that is NOT two-and-a-half feet of snow!"
Fat lot of good that did me. So I moved on to...

2. Anger - "God I hate this F**KING snow!" and "I grew up in the tropics! I shouldn't have to deal with this shit!" Again, not the most efficacious method of making snow go away. So I moved on to...

3. Bargaining - "If you shovel the sidewalks I promise I'll make all the dinners forever and ever." Again, fat lot of good.... guess who shoveled (and shoveled, and shoveled). God it's annoying to have a husband with a "serious medical condition" and a surgeon on call to prove same...

4. Depression - "Oh my god, it's snowing again? I am so depressed" ad nauseum. This went on for a loooooooong time.

I might eventually have moved on to acceptance (or not) had I not, instead, moved on to The Deadly Virus That Almost Killed Me. So what I moved onto was accepting antibiotics. All I can say about that is - God I'm glad I live in the age of modern medicine especially antibiotics and I truly accept them as my personal savior. Amen.

5. True acceptance - Spring is here, the snow has melted, and despite the many recent late-spring frost warnings, I accept that winter is finally OVER! Halle(f***king)lujah!

I believe I will survive! (And maybe even start blogging regularly again.)