Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Waiting


(photo from London SLR)

This afternoon my husband said casually, "Here's my living will. I'll put it in the secretary." I stopped what I was doing, and we looked at each other for a long moment. Then he turned away, back to his afternoon's work of putting "things in order." We haven't talked about it, but of course, we both know that any time you go under the knife, even for a simple procedure, there's a chance you'll die. And this procedure is by no means simple. He does have a world-class surgeon, but still.....

I'm pretty much a basket case right now, just want to hide my head and make it all go away. Which is not like me. Usually I'm a person who rises to a challenge. I guess I'm letting myself fall apart a bit now, while my husband is still his calm, efficient, functional self. Because on Tuesday morning, after they roll him away into the OR, it's going to be me, all alone, waiting, and I'll have to pull it together and be strong for a long time.

9 comments:

jason said...

(((elizabeth)))
big hugs and prayers to you now.

Willym said...

dearest Elizabeth I wish there was something more that I could say other than I'll be with you in my thoughts. I know that is cold comfort but know that KH, you, the Things and the doctors have been in my prayers and thoughts daily. I've made it a habit of dropping into a church as I go around town here and lighting a candle. Again if nothing else it brings a small bit of light into a dark world.

Doralong said...

If you slip your leash a little now it's just fine- everyone needs to vent a little. This way you will hold it together just fine come next week. All gentle blessings and prayers for you and yours.

May I suggest you lock the door, lose it completely for a half an hour or so and then move forward. Sometimes the act of holding everything in is nearly more exhausting than the waiting and wondering and worrying.

citizen jane said...

doralong gives good advice -- it's OK to let it go. Really.

Sending all the good thoughts and prayers I can y'all's way.

sageweb said...

Elizabeth I wish I could be there with you. My thoughts will be. I agree with Doralong...scream for a while...it feels good.

yellowdog granny said...

my friend...you are not alone..we are all with you in thought and prayer..i have lit more candles and said more prayers...goddess bless you all..

Miss Janey said...

Miss Eliz, Boy, oh, boy. That is some deep stuff, isn't it? Miss J's thoughts are with you. Wishing you and your husband all good.

Susan at One-Woman Show said...

Oh, E, I can only echo what everyone else has already written above. It sounds like it might do you good to let your emotions just all hang out for a night. By Tuesday then the practical, no nonsense you will be back and ready to rise to the occasion. You're going through a lot, so remember to take care of yourself and that we are with you!

more cowbell said...

Oh girl, that must've been like a gut punch for you. I can just feel that coming through. Doralong is right --- either wait 'til everyone is out of the house or go out in your car one night to someplace private.

You already know this, but he's just being sensible, a good parent and husband -- same as you would do for something lesser involving anesthesia. Don't let it freak you out - it doesn't change anything. He's got good docs. You ARE strong even when you don't feel it.

thinking of you, lots.