Friday, January 11, 2008

Meme and my checkered past....



That scamp Sageweb dinged me, so here we go....

1. Three exes I would pretend not to know today.
Most of them I wouldn't mind seeing. But that's boring. So there was one, the first man I was in love with, the first man I lived with, and a total and utter mindfuck. Eric, who shall henceforth be known as The Lying Cheating Scumbag. He picked me up on Van Ness Street (in SF) after a poetry reading. As Lemony Snickett says, "a bad beginning." Poets, feh. He had dreamy green eyes, wrote poetry, and played the sitar. To this day I'd rather stick a fork in my ear than listen to sitar music. But I digress. He was, and still is no doubt, a compulsive liar and a compulsive womanizer. He picked up women left and right and screwed anything with two legs and no penis in between. Given that this was the late 70s and early 80s, it's amazing he didn't give me AIDS or at least clap. He did give me crabs, though. Ewww....

2. The most scandalous rumor that passed through my high school.
I went to high school in Taiwan during the Vietnam war, so the GIs brought every drug known to man, and some not, to Taipei for R & R. So there were LOTS of strange things going on. But i think the # 1 would have to be that Eva Chow got arrested for using heroin and was thrown into a Taiwanese prison for a long, long time.

3. The time I knew Santa didn't exist.
i am a fairly tough little creature because I grew up with two older brothers (you know who you are!!!!) who tortured me endlessly. When I was four, they told me that Santa was a crock. I was devastated. The odd thing is that I continued to believe in the Easter Bunny for years after that. And, really, anyone can see how a fat guy couldn't really come down the chimney with presents. But a large bunny carrying chocolate eggs, on the other hand, is totally possible.

4.The funniest thing I did in a house of worship.
My own family is Presbyterian, and Presbyterians never do anything, let alone anything funny, in church. but in high school, one of my best friends became a born-again Christian. I wanted to be supportive of her, so I went to church with her sometimes. So we were in church with her holy roller, speaking in tongues, pentecostal congregation. The minister asked, "Is there anyone here who hasn't received Jesus as their personal savior?" I don't know what I was thinking or what I thought he said ("Is there anyone here who hasn't received snack yet?" maybe), but I raised my hand. And for the next hour the entire congregation spent the entire service staring at me like a starving man stares at a pork chop. Once I'd gotten out of there alive, I thought it was pretty funny.

5. Best excuse I had for being out past curfew.
As I said, I had two very tiring older brothers. By the time I got to an age where I needed a curfew, the parents were too worn out to worry about it. I once dragged my ass in at dawn and no one said a word.

6. Sunday Cartoon Character I had a crush on.
Johny Quest. He was totally hot, and the alternatives were Felix, Popeye, and Fred Flintstone.

7. Cartoon character you wanted to be.
There weren't a lot of great female characters on the cartoons then (Wilma Flintstone? Veronica? Betty?). So I think I'll have to fudge this one and say Nancy Drew. I read those books by the stack and dreamed of zooming around in a little blue roadster with the virginal Ned Nickerson by me in the front seat, and the gals, butch George and femme Bess, in the back seat. Everyone knows George was a dyke, but It occurs to me now that all the pals could have been gay!

8. Foods I can no longer stomach.
Liver. Always hated it, always will. Other than that, I'll eat anything.

9. Tacky pick-up line you used that worked.
Well, I'm not bragging, I'm just telling the plain, unvarnished truth. I never needed to use a pick up line. I had to fend them off from - since it was San Francisco - girls as well as boys.

10. Secret hangover recipe.
Barfing? Does that count as a recipe?

13 comments:

Willym said...

I'm sure I've left this comment somewhere before:

You know why Presbyterians don't hae sex standing up?

Because it could lead to dancing!

And as an ex-Presbyterian I can say that.

And would have loved to watch the vultures crowding around the unsaved wretch. Too funny.

JB said...

Thanks for the chuckle! The fork in the ear bit is hilarious!

sageweb said...

Wow, you made me laugh so hard. That was great entertainment. At your expense. I remember going to church when they called people to the alter to except the lord jesus christ as their personal savior. I was always so embarrassed for them for some odd reason. Maybe it was the amount of attention they got. It was enough for me to say no way jesus I ain't gonna go..but then again if a snack really was offered I would have been all over it.

Elizabeth said...

Will: Ha! I'd never heard that one. Perfect. Oh Presbyterians! So tasteful, so dull.

JB: Glad to be of service!

Sageweb: Yes, a girl will do a lot for a good snack! But (shiver) I don't think I ever went back to church with her after that.

Will said...

Those older brothers you speak of have mellowed out over the years. I won't go into too much detail - in a vain attempt preserve my dignity - but pops (and mom too) were pretty chill when I came home at 3AM puking all over the place and ended up passing out on the kitchen floor. I didn't get the worst of it though; My buddy was literally passed out in a gutter.

As far as Santa goes, I vaguely remember a crusade by the family (I don't remember who started it) to prevent a younger cousin of mine (but not any of the 4 youngest) from finding out the truth about Santa. I ended up getting some hour long explanation from everyone in the dining room (at the old house) about how important it was not to ruin it for her, after hearing about it for most of the cross country flight.

That evening, myself and the above mentioned cousin were hanging around in the basement, and I asked her, "So, what are you hoping Santa will bring you for Christmas?" She responded, "Santa?!? You've got to be kidding. I've known that was a sham for a couple of years now, but I just pretend to not know. I think Dad enjoys playing Santa or something."

Maybe her dad felt guilty about telling you that life changing information when you were four.

Elizabeth said...

Will: ...and I do everything I can to add to that sense of guilt at every opportunity! It's a tough job, but I'm up to it.

evilganome said...

While I must say I enjoyed all of your answers, and yes, guys who give you crabs are the scum of the earth, the recipe for a hangover cure has me roaring!

Lucky you to never have to rely on pick up lines.

Elizabeth said...

Yay! my barfing made you roar!

yellowdog granny said...

no baptist don't have sex standing up cause people will THINK their dancing..
ok...I was 9 years old when I found out there was no santa..1952...I beat the crap out of the kid that told me..and I love liver...and if I ever met any of the 2 remaining husbands out of the 3 I would beat the crap out of them and feed them liver

Elizabeth said...

Granny, you are too funny! if there's ever any danger of me running into the Lying Cheating Scumbag I want you with me!

jason said...

too funny!
I love your high school rumor....girls named Eva Chow...heroin...Taiwanese prison...it sounds so chic!

D-Man said...

Wow, as the youngest of three brothers, this EXACTLY explains my mother's child-rearing method: "I had two very tiring older brothers. By the time I got to an age where I needed a curfew, the parents were too worn out to worry about it. I once dragged my ass in at dawn and no one said a word." Except that I OFTEN dragged my ass in at dawn...

Elizabeth said...

Jason: It does sound very "heroin chic", but I'm guessing that poor Eva didn't find that Taiwanese prison too chic.... I hope she's out now!

D-man: Welcome! And, actually, I often did too, and in all kinds of states of consciousness (or lack of) with not a peep.